Turning the page

2008-02-28T09:15:00.000-05:00

Deepest Inner Truth

2007-12-19T23:41:00.001-05:00

My mom gave me a candle surrounded by crystals and I wanted to find out the crystals I was so thoughtfully given. I found these words very powerful.

"The clear selenites, like all clear crystals -- quartz, calcite, fluorite, and danburite -- have the quality of activating the seventh (crown) chakra.
The seventh chakra is our direct connection to spirit. When it is balanced we understand our relationship with the universe. We feel our connection with other humans and other forms of life.
Clear selenite's particular contribution towards furthering this connection is its ability to allow us to consciously understand our own deepest inner truth, that part of ourselves which is not body, not emotions or thoughts, but pure spirit. In this sense, it helps us to be in touch with our purpose for being in physical existence."

I feel a soulful connection to crystals. I have never really used them for healing. I have often been in awe of them, holding them in my fingers, softly turning them in the air to catch sunlight, thinking they hold magic and mystery inside.

Although I have never truly learned the power in elements, I feel great strength when I focus on them, even if it is a means to feel centered. As if the motion of holding the crystal in my palm connects its simplicity to my mind allowing me to focus calmly and rest my thoughts and questions against the dense weight of the stone.

As I inspect closer I see that the crystal may be simple in form but the inside is more complex. Small shards and fragments uniquely displaced during formation. As the crystal gathers light, it's through the irregularities that the light is diffused so beautifully~similar to the spirit I believe. I ponder over its physical existence in comparison to the purpose of my own~ or in "consciously understanding my own deepest inner truth".

Inspirited to gather my many fragments and irregularities, be centered with them and diffuse my inner light with clarity, calm and awareness. To live a life seeking my own deepest inner truths so I may connect to all of life with an honest and open heart.

Pause for peace

2007-12-19T13:59:00.000-05:00

Eye of the Storm

Like the stillness in a dewdrop
I feel this calm---
Not to be battered
In avalanche of bouncing boulder winds
Or brushed away and shattered,
The browse of blustering beasts.
Like reflections in a dewdrop
I float in calm--
The heart buoyed up in silence
Though the sun's gong ring,
The heart made safe in amber
From the crackling spears of days.
I sink into this moment
As a pebble slows--
Falling through boundless radiance,
Through a honeyed sea--
Falling, ever more slowly,
Down, and down,
Away from the muffled
Fading applause of the waves,
To a moment void of movement,
To the pause of peace.
There are no sorrows here--
No knives of anger--
Only the soft caresses of the light
And timeless hush;
Memories melt,
And a new self, healed, unwounded,
Gathers its crystal wholeness like the dew
Empty of all but peace.

~Elizabeth Anne Viau~

Photo shoot with my family

2007-11-29T16:39:00.000-05:00

(Photography by Ricki Chester)

Al Green was singing sweetly into my ear the other night while I was working out at the gym. I thought to myself ~ Al Green reminds me of my family~ and I smiled.

Yes Al Green reminds me of my family.

Colorful, deep loving soul music reminds me of my family. The hurt, the pain, the struggle, the love, the anger, the resilience..the ties that bind~over and over again.

The guy who covered Al Green's music at my parent's Christmas party one year, who smoked up on their driveway reminds me of them, giving us all a good head shake and laugh at the quirks of people. "It takes all kinds" my Dad always says. Being able to not take ourselves to seriously.

The ability to accept differences, while holding fast to our own beliefs. Altogether totally confusing and perfectly sensible. This almost always reminds me of my family.

Waking slightly to the soft sounds of Van Morrison in the tape deck on our night time trips to our land in North Georgia; giddy with anticipation for the next day mixed with hopes of more peaceful sleep~ to wish to always feel this way. Waking up in a tent, breathing in the cold/hot mix of fresh mountain air and wood burning fire, the bone chill of the air. The wood swing out over the steep hill and feeling shrill exhilaration with close-your-eyes-and-trust fear. Walks among sounds only of wind through the trees, rustling of animals and rush of water~I still hold deep trust for my father when in nature. The way my mother watched us like a mama bear over her cubs, the way my dad gave us freedom to explore. This is always constant in our family.

My dad's relentless quest to help turtles to the safe side of the road, often ending woefully bad~intentions completely innocent. The way my mom and sisters and brother find it fall-to-your- knees, barely. able. to. talk. laugh so hard at my Dad sometimes. He is often so serious in teaching a lesson only to find the lesson making an example of him. Like the time he told my brother not to throw food to the pigeons because of what would happen. Oh like what happened all over his head instead. You should see my mother laugh in times like these ~ so raw, so young, so her.

The beach reminds me of my family. Packed car to the ceiling, McDonald's coffee filtering into our sleepy senses on our way. Games my mother made for our car ride made with egg cartons and marbles. Conversations from the heart. Everybody talking, feeling nobody listening~being the middle child and all. Swimming in the ocean reminds me of my family and how we would swim to a sand bar, find a million sand dollars. Screaming from a starfish wrapping around my face, the one my sister placed on my head crying laughing, me just crying. Exploring and taking interest. This reminds me very much of my family.

Boys and friends and trouble and growing independent

Deep connection reminds me of my family.

Screaming~fighting, laughing~crying, joking~embarrassing, teasing~taunting, hugging~kissing, laying side by side, running side by side, watching from sidelines, cheering or defending. Inside jokes and private moments.

Trading juice cookies for Little Debbie's, carrot juice before trick-or-treating, ice cream sundaes from grandparents followed by croup, orange trees, best-friend dogs, experiencing loss, experiencing first loves, 90210, gifted programs and dyslexia, ballet, cross~country, plays, baseball, art shows, yelling, stomping, crying, walks to the gas station for candy, SNL with my sister and our parents laughing at us laughing. So many little and big moments that sculpt my family, and me a shape sculpted from them.

Especially when I look at each one...

Our faces for getting each other
Our faces in disagreement
Our faces of compassion
Our faces of hurt
Our faces of calm
Our faces of need

Our faces that simply resemble...

...and now my own little family, whose face resembles ours...small reminders.

Finding My Groove Again

2007-11-20T13:02:00.000-05:00

Silly pic of me after my dance class (bad lighting)

I took a hip hop/Latin dance class at the gym last week. I realized how much I miss that part of my life. Up until the time I graduated from high school I spent my evenings and weekends at the dance studio. I miss the warm up, finding concentration and balance. The music, the rhythm, the sweat, the pushing of my body to keep moving, keep working, feeling the vibration off the group. I miss falling into repetition of movements until the mind and body connect and the soul moves freely, in sync. I miss especially the peacefulness of cooling down, taking deep breaths, sometimes on the verge of tears, realizing the release of emotion from my mind and the way my body felt so alive. I think I will continue to take this class and maybe even find a dance workshop to participate in one weekend. I wish I had never stopped taking classes, I definitely loved the way this class made me feel afterwards~a deep connection I hope to maintain.

C's finding the beat

Feeling calm

2007-10-18T16:49:00.000-04:00

I feel I have begun to come into my own as a mother, even though I have really just entered into this beautiful, emotion-driven path. Two and half years ago I looked into the eyes of this little baby, so familiar, yet so mind-altering. I remember thinking ~that's him, that's who i have been waiting for, that is the sweet soul I am blessed to know? The experience is instant~instant love, instant responsibility, instant change. The change is all encompassing at first~a shift to daily life; interrupted sleep, baby colds, hormonal shifts, and just trying to figure out if I was doing it well enough~ feeling right in my gut, but borderline obsessive with over~questioning.

Then there is the change on deeper levels. Two years later and I am now beginning to understand the profound growth this change has brought into our life and how it slowly shifted my thought process to recognize the choices I make, the words I speak, even our surroundings, in order to manifest a peaceful, thriving home.

In a way I was so involved in the details of motherhood I found it hard to live in the moment of what his presence meant in our lives. Many times I would find myself staring at him thinking this life together is so clear and exuberating though some of it is a blur and why that is? Feeling how unfair I can't remember or document each precious moment. Feeling I wish I could have had a bird's eye view on myself and my husband, to watch how we treated each other during the beginning months, how we loved or hurt each other, our expressions of uncertainty, our tears of love and frustration- a view in which to play out the imaginings of family life and the reality ~ to look with admiration for trying both. A nostalgia for two people (at times it felt like kids) working hard to develop and nourish our family.

Then there is the blur of my life before him. So often it is said you will not remember what your life was like before children. For me, I think of all the time in the past two years I have spent with a little one to care for, a little boy trailing my footsteps and what is it I did with all that time before him. I do know I was taking care of myself, I was learning myself, I was letting go and touching on self-love, something I make a point to keep in the forefront of my mind as I think it is very important to teach my son.

I'll admit I got caught up in the "this is our life" mentality~I'll be this person when....

I don't think I lost myself totally, but in a way~in the beginning~ I had to, and indirectly he has taught me how to rejuvenate myself more fully.

I've learned a deepened sense of self. In some ways it forced me to focus on my beliefs, my morals, my desires, my yearnings~and to be confident in each, for him, although I always kept an open mind. I have always been the type to see both sides, often struggling for peace between the two.

For a time I had a fluxation of emotions between all the things I want to accomplish for myself and for our family. Would I ever be able to do both?

By gaining more confidence as a mother and watching my son grow into this sweet, funny, creative, hungry for knowledge little man~I realized how much I needed to be aware of those qualities in myself and nurture them so we can live as individuals in a family, whom love and encourage to no end.

Two years later, and beyond the unsureness of how we would manage, how we would create this family I feel this inner quietness. I feel more peaceful. Sure I still worry and self-doubt. But I understand myself better and how to change my way of thinking with more ease. I had this moment the other day where I thought I am not limited. I kinda felt like a kid with a house-and that i could do whatever I wanted. I could paint or cook if I wanted, or read, instead of trying to figure out how to be an adult - whatever I thought that meant. For a long time, I wasn't sure how to begin things, so I found myself making lists and cleaning. Now I find myself starting projects, redecorating, just small things here and there~soft music and candle light.

Even though I feel how time races, I steal moments until more and more I feel present.

Remembering the music~three concerts

2007-10-01T23:25:00.000-04:00

Relishing in the end days of summer, I took to the music.

~Chastain park has a small amphitheater- a calm, peaceful venue. A picnic of goat cheese, soft butter bread for BLT's, apples and wine. The round shape of the amphitheater and tall trees create a moon of space to gaze upon in the lovely, partly-cloudy sky. We eat and chat with our neighbors who offer fresh figs- plump and juicy, soft flavor. We sway to the opening band while everyone eats and laughs- the tense of work peeling away. Relaxing, sipping wine with the soft air wrapping us up-the lights lay dimly in the clouds. Everyone looks up ever so often to catch a glimpse of the darkening lump in the sky. A finger raised here and there- worried for the approaching rain. A few mumbles about metal seats and lightening. The music begins and a roar of excitement rushes towards the stage. Dancing, swaying, drinking, quick-silver glances- keeping a watchful eye on the darkening sky. One drop..then two...people move quickly for cover- I hide under my picnic blanket. The lady next to me shares..J runs for ponchos...I am drenched. I let the rain fall upon my hair and down my legs-chilled by the rain and warmed by the heat in the air. I lift my head to the sky grinning at the kid in me..

~Standing in front of a bare stage, minimal crowd, but intimate as though stumbling upon an open session. Next to me is my dearest friend. The air is stale in this old venue-bittersweet-like high school. This cool chick on stage sings deep and passionate-lonesome at times, but piercing. Her sound strikes me somewhere deep and I want to travel around with her and see all her shows. She's witty and natural. Something beautiful and magical about swaying in the dark- one piano, one girl, one spotlight and one best friend. I felt adolescent again, but wiser. Smiling at chatty teenagers and stealing glances at the beauty beside me, who's been there through it all. She and I-soul friends-she's never far, for I keep her on my mind.

~My left arm is in the sun, hanging out the open window of the patio. I could graze my fingertips on the sidewalk flooded with concertgoers. There is no parking downtown today. We're walking to the concert- devoted to the saving of parks like the one thousands will gather in, to hear some music tonight. I am concentrated on a divine fried green tomato sandwich and local beer, and happy the ground is uneven and our table is at a slant lending character. I love walking on a blocked off street and off the confines of the sidewalk, thinking how structured life can become and how I need to go off the beaten path more. Dusk is beginning to settle and the lines are long and slow. I concentrate on the beach balls freely bouncing upon the fingertips of the sea of people in front of me. The stage is large and the light show is spectacular and flashy. Being so far from the stage I lose the concentration of the music and hear people talking and then an explosion of cheers brings me back. I love the connectedness of thousands of people in one place, enjoying themselves freely and for a good cause.

~Music is such an integral part of life. Whether singing, playing, dancing, listening, waking, crying, driving, or sleeping to music- we're always making it, creating it and encompassing it as the backbone of our life. Sometimes I forget how powerful music is and then I remind myself to listen more and I physically feel my body and soul relax.

Seeking your dreams~desires~life

2007-09-24T22:19:00.000-04:00

(A poem a day inspired by this girl's writings I admire)

Ethereal whispers in my ear

And the wind, at times, can speak so clear

It tells me to look into this life of mine

And figure out what is real

I'm waiting for your touch

And I know it's your embrace that keeps me near

You are the essence of the love

Everyone is trying to hold onto

But I don't have to reach

For you are

wholly

gripping me

Right now, right here.

Connecting two points

2007-09-18T09:49:00.000-04:00

Laying on my parent's driveway over the weekend I feel connected. The warm heat rising from the constructed concrete ground, it feels strong and reliable. My eyes entranced in the dancing fingers of the trees, that play and flirt upon the wind. A canopy of protective arms embracing the sky, offering glints of sun and shade. I recall turning my head to stare at my little man and his twin cousin throwing pine cones at the bushes- whispering to one another in their own language full of wonder and inquisition. I follow their gaze up a tree to a taunting squirrel dropping pine cones above their heads. I turn my head back and close my eyes, feeling the earth spinning beneath me- picturing a vacuum pulling my thoughts, racing upwards to the sky, then to hover above me like a movie playing against the vast blue screen. A laugh, a breeze, brings me back-my eyelids fluttering against the soft light. I feel an awareness- a pull between me then, me now. I used to lay on this driveway all the time before boyfriends, before jobs, before a house and a marriage and before a child. I used to lay here when i was still a child- when it was just me and my dreams. Gosh, I would imagine so much- endless possibilities, like the endless sky. It felt good then, it feels good now. Neither better or comparable, two points in time- significant and whole.

Fall on me

2007-09-05T09:29:00.000-04:00

This morning I closed my eyes in the shower and imagined that it was dark and cool outside. Feeling the strong desire for scarves and jeans paired with heavy boots. Hot chocolate and homemade vegetable soup.

How often we do this~dreaming of fall when summer is still present?

Maybe the desire for this change signifies the end of a period of growth. In the midst of life many times we forget~well, that we are in the midst of it.What encompasses us is life~right now. In the midst of it we are growing, simply. It seems then anticipation, frustration, boredom, nostalgia often creep in. Reminders to not stay too complacent~to be present and take reflection into new boundaries.

Learning, changing, growing.

Ready to take the lesson and move forth~ expand, run, purge.

I feel over this summer I have been asking questions, taking it deep, sitting with the feelings, writing them down, listening intently to the music playing in and around me.

Questioning.

Listening.

Contemplating.

Making lists of goals, dreams and projects.

i feel i have let go of a lot with eyes wide open.

i feel i have learned to clarify my values, my beliefs.

i feel more aware

i feel stronger

i feel more alive

i feel more loved

Now i just want to experience. Have you ever felt tired of asking the questions, turned off a little by the constant buzz of your own thoughts.

Usually, when i anticipate summer I feel ready to take on a million things.

I feel a strange, but fresh, engaging feeling for this winter.

I still have some great summer things planned~a concert in this park with all proceeds going towards park conservancy, which in Atlanta is much needed.

I've been sitting.

I'm ready to run.

It feels good to sit with your thoughts.

Sometimes it feels good to do, with thoughts racing.

Ramblings to me

2007-08-28T23:36:00.000-04:00

I'll drive away with you on a Sunday afternoon
when the leaves turn brown and crush~disintegrate, against my hand

Beneath my feet, I'll tread lightly on your emotions

while tempting you, instead, to dance with mine

I'll seek out the inner beauty of your beliefs

if you can come to forgive my lonesome grief

Take me away on a full-moon dream

where time cannot touch me and

wanderlust sparkles in the ground

Where music reigns as language

and dance is the movement~always fluid in our motion

We'll ride a wave on a butterfly ocean.

When we get there

When I plant my feet

and stretch my arms

When I take in a deep breath

I'll speak softly to myself and whisper~

When will you know me

When will all this count

Sure I've been trying to explain how imperfections

are simply reality

I know there are things to fix

and rules to follow through

I may even understand how my restlessness

may somber you

But I'm waking to new time

and listening to softer sounds

I'm finding peace through each moment

what were once endless days abound

My breath feels slower, deeper

and my sight finds memories to capture

I love with fierce passion

and hurt with fury, I know

I'm stronger than I was yesterday

and live in my hours knowing their mine

I'll keep trying to build strength

in my soul and love for this life

It's the lessons we learn and the paths that are chosen

that allow us to expand so we may leave a beauty mark on

this vast, breathing land

I find peace living for these moments.

So today I'll pull my dreams from my pillow and bring them to life.

I need your concern but I desire your understanding,

for my love, to the me once afraid

Whom I see growing in variable ways

It takes time for most

and that I'll give

As long as time I may have to say~

I once happily lived.

Just one kiss

2007-08-23T23:27:00.000-04:00

Today I walked over to you and leaned down to give you a hug as you played on the floor. I turned to stand up and you pulled my arm, lifted your sweet face and gave me a kiss-all on your own-the first one without asking or smothering you with my own kisses. I drew in my breath, smiled at you, thanked you for your sweetness, and you went back to playing. My thousands of kisses to you will always equal your one given to me, I hope you know this forever.

The rush after the break

2007-08-08T22:19:00.000-04:00

The words have been stuck inside. Building in a crescendo, the beat hard against my heart.

So much going on- so many emotions, thoughts, plans- rushing and pulsing through my veins.

Ideas, words, images, colors - filling my mind for my art, for my home, for my husband, for C and for myself.

I feel it all so tense pressing and rising like water against a dam-on the verge, tiny trickles I see heeding warning for the poignant moment before the break.

I see myself clearer now and more in tune.

I am so much more aware of the person I am, not who I am trying to figure out.

I am good with the me when once I was not- the little details are my makeup and I love them more and more.

Letting go of the stigmas I have placed upon myself.

I find myself drawn in so many directions and now as I walk my individual path the journey resonates deeper with rich blessings and optimism I can feel- a slight energy that reverberates inside.

For some time I felt I had only been trying to find my fit.

Confidence is securing the love for myself now.

Headaches and Pizza

2007-07-31T23:40:00.000-04:00

I have had the worst headaches this weekend - to the point all I can do is sleep. To look at the computer screen is painful- so I have not had much time here to write. I did find a funny photo and a great recipe to share.

I bought him a funny hat, found an apron in our condo at the beach and told him he must wear it to cook, and he is wearing a coolest dad t-shirt- it's cool he let's me play around with my humor.

If you have a grill- go right now and get all the ingredients to make this AMAZING pizza. I love pizza- and this is truly one of the best I have ever had. Of course, I love to grill- almost anything, so the idea of grilled pizza dough sent me dreamily to the store. By grilling, the dough forms a thin crispy layer over a soft, cheesy middle. I left the last bit of instructions off because mine was done enough by just cooking on the grill. I also made one big pie instead of four smaller ones and varied the vegetables from the ones listed:). The best part, though, was the basil/olive oil dipping sauce- a burst of fresh basil livens the flavors of the grilled meat and veggies. I also used chicken sausage instead of pork, both work wonderfully. Ingenuity meets pizza= me standing up eating this hot off the grill because it's so goood.

Be love

2007-07-26T00:24:00.000-04:00

(A friend, Stack, makes these funky patches I love to attach to my clothes.)

1.) We have to post these rules before we give you the facts.
2.) Players start with eight random facts/habits about themselves.
3.) People who are tagged write their own blog post about their eight things and include these rules.
4.) At the end of your blog, you need to choose eight people to get tagged and list their names.

~Don’t forget to leave them a comment telling them they’re tagged and they should read your blog.

~8 random things about me:

~I choreograph ballets in my head while listening to classical music on my way to work and jazz routines while listening to hip hop when i work out.

~I love jokes, especially clever ones.

~When I eat pita chips, I pick the chips one at a time that look most appealing to crunch on.

~I love to swim, maybe it's the Pisces in me.

~I am modest

~I love musicals and plays but when I see them at the theatre I feel I can barely keep my eyes open because i get so tired- so weird.

~I was a butterfly in the '96 opening ceremony of the Olympics.

~I'm fascinated by the stars

I am tagging Marlyn

Swing in Love

2007-07-09T15:22:00.000-04:00

Swing with me my little man
and let our toes graze against the painted blue sky

We'll close our eyes and allow our heads to fall back
against wind's soft arms
Falling into rhythm- back and forth, back and forth

We are both holding on strong to the chains, like our love
The difference~ I am woefully aware of time and how fleeting it may be
And you, my sweet, right now, are in love with me

We connect, you and I
I am holding fiercely to this time
Where I am your morning delight
And you, angel, are forever mine.

(swinging with C- my favorite moment this weekend)

Water Babies

2007-07-06T11:16:00.000-04:00

My horoscope today reads:

The energy of the day is quite erratic, and you are apt to find yourself jumping all over the place, dear Pisces. Don't worry about trying to firm up any plans at this time. You may feel like you are trying to grab hold of a slippery fish with butter on your hands. If this is the case, don't worry about it. Let the fish swim away for now and relax. You can always catch another one later on if you need to.

~Funny because my legs have been restless all day-weird. Maybe if I didn't have butter on my hands while grabbing after fish- it would help. I like reading my horoscope daily, but the butter comment is just weird but so funny too. I wish I was going to a party with water balloons and beer.

When my sisters and I were young we would fill balloons up with water and wrap two up inside blankets and play "water babies" as we called it. It really was the best game ever. Sometimes we'd be carrying them and they'd pop and we'd be drenched and we would just laugh, or cry. I assume because it was so spontaneous and shocking. So game over-we'd just move on to something else to play. I wish I could just roll with it like that more.

I do have to say I have eased up on myself quite a bit, which means more laughing spells (i laugh for long periods of time), less chores, more time taking care of plants- oh and watching C do somersaults. I tried to do one the other day and I almost broke my neck. C was not amused. I am hoping to channel this "erratic" day into a weekend of artful ideas. I would like to start posting my favorite thing from the weekend on Mondays. I sometimes find my weekend rushes by and I don't sit with the moments long enough to feel joyful in them. I want to write about that joy and love and life so in the future I will know and remember how fun life really is.

So~this is me~restless.

Nice!

Road trips are for girls

2007-06-26T22:46:00.000-04:00

I love when you have the sort of weekend that lingers in your mind for days after. When in the middle of work, or watering the flowers a huge smile creeps along your face at the memory of such a wonderful, memorable and inspiring time.

This girl rocks my world! She is so, so fun to be around. I think because she is so accepting of people's hearts and a pure lover of life. Yeah, the kind of girl you want to take on a road trip, oh and be friends with forever.

Moments of belly~laughing, spray~paint, bubbles, muddling mojitos and meeting great new friends.

We met some amazing artists and they beautifully accepted us into their totally chill home filled with pottery, music, jewelry and funky designed clothes. The kind of place where you can talk about real, meaningful ideas and the next be spilling over in laughter.

I feel lucky meeting these people that allowed us not to only see the town, but how they create their lives. We got to see a friend's gallery in the midst of being built. Usually you get to experience the final exhibit. I felt totally inspired to see behind the scenes. I could imagine us doing the same. One really great girl sewed a shirt on the spot for Amanda and gave me a patch for my jeans. We looked through the pottery of another, and I just chilled as another designed jewelery as we talked.

I feel relaxed, inspired, laughed-out and wanting some more. I feel grateful of my old friendship and excited for the new ones and for feeling rich on joy.

Enjoy the journey

2007-06-22T08:54:00.000-04:00

If you don't know where you are going, you can never get lost
~Herb Cohen~

I found this quote and although simple it speaks volumes to me. I tend to worry about what I am doing career wise and that maybe I should have already accomplished more and taken more risks. From this worry I put myself on hold, afraid to budge from my safety net. I tell myself I should know what I want to do by now and I should be well on my way. I think to myself- I should be more, have more to give and experience deeper. I worry high hopes were set and I somehow failed certain expectations. Why worry? What good does it bring?

Well....What if I don't know where I am going?

Sure I have big ideas about how I would like to see my life unfold. Many times I can even imagine what it must feel like to feel more accomplished than I am now. I see myself opening a restaurant, researching developmental psychology, writing a book on learning disabilities, creating art, and raising a family. I often feel lost about how to make these dreams of mine happen. So, instead of trying to navigate each detail over where I think I should end up maybe I will allow my path to unfold as I walk it and not worry so much about where I am going, rather enjoying the journey there.

Speaking of journeys~
Girly laughter, checking out local live music, talking, journal writing, inspiring local artists, checking out organic restaurants, and being in the company of this wonderful friend is what I am looking forward to this weekend in Asheville.

Sentiments

2007-06-19T21:45:00.000-04:00

I've been feeling sentimental lately and I can't really figure out why. I have noticed myself picking out my old music to listen to and giving my time over to silent reflection, but for what is not apparent to me yet. I feel my inner self working feverishly and holding the feelings of my words trapped inside.

A few months ago my husband and I went to a wedding where the bride and groom had met on a blind date set up by us. The bride to be worked with me and the groom with my husband. Shortly after they began dating they each quit as if the only reason they had been brought to these particular jobs was to meet one another. I just love this story.

The next weekend we went to another wedding and the priest was Irish. Before the end of the ceremony he said these words from an Irish blessing. For some reason these words have been filling me up and leaving me with nostalgia.

Irish Blessing~

May the road rise to meet you,

May the wind be always at your back.

May the sun shine warm upon your face,

The rains fall soft upon your fields.

And until we meet again,

May God hold you in the palm of his hand.

May green be the grass you walk on,

May blue be the skies above you,

May pure be the joys that surround you,

May true be the hearts that love you

May God be with you and bless you;

May you see your children's children.

May you be poor in misfortune, Rich in blessings,

May you know nothing but happiness

And may the hand of a friend always be near.

From this day forward.

2007-06-05T23:27:00.000-04:00

(this photo makes me laugh so hard, I am in high school, Muzzie apparently loves stone-washed denim- I will have to post a picture of her with her updated wears- she has fabulous style)

Last night Muzzie was talking about this lady she once knew who liked to have a man in her life to take her to the theater or for dinner. After her husband died she would continue to have boy~friends who would take her around the town.

So Muzzie says~

"She lived in this lovely retirement home and met a man who was nearly a hundred years old. She met him by the trash cans and he asked her if she had ever been on a cruise. She said she had not, but sure, she would love to go."

Me~

"That's so funny...meeting by the trash cans."

Muzzie~

"Well it was nice because she had never been abroad. (pause, lowers voice) But, really she had been a broad her whole life. No, but really she was a lovely lady."

Me~ "ah ha ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...."

Muzzie is 86 fabulous years with perfect delivery of stories, jokes, wit, charm, grace and creativity. She always makes me feel loved and reminds me of all my talents. Each time I leave her presence I am inspired to become more of myself.

2007-05-31T14:30:00.000-04:00

Lots of happy love for-

~Becoming an aunt, again, this weekend

~C dancing to Hip Hop beats and eating strawberries and cool whip with him

~Exercising, again

~feeling deeper, rooted with myself

~feeling lighter, freer with myself

~a upcoming girl's road trip to Asheville~ how could we have not taken one together yet?

~Grilling out all week

~planting a butterfly bush

(oh and buying three other plants that cannot be planted in the ground due to frost in the winter-perfect! Maybe I should do a little research instead of buying by the look of things.)

I think this summer is going to be a lot of fun!

Patient Words

2007-05-29T22:40:00.000-04:00

I have been asking why I have been holding myself back. Answers come in many forms- a prayer, a song, a voice, a scene or in an afterthought. Sometimes though they are spelled out in plain, typed text- there all along waiting patiently to resonate.

I started The Artist's Way and a few months ago put it on my bedside shelf allowing the pages to collect dust. I opened it again a few days ago and the page I left on was part of the answer to the very question I have been stumbling over as of late. Amazing how the universe works sometimes- all the time.

"Answered prayers are scary.

They imply responsibility.

You asked for it.

Now that you got it, what are you going to do with it?"

"Answered prayers deliver us back to our own hand."

~the Artist's Way~

I think I may have not been ready to answer this question a while ago, and now I feel more confident and ready.

Putting off

2007-05-23T13:39:00.001-04:00

I've created a space for my creative endeavors. I now realize it doesn't take much, just a place you feel calm and lovingly surrounded by your stuff. My Muzzie, an artist, has made her home a working art. She paints murals on the walls, on the toilets and pretty much anything her paint brush in hand feels needs a little color. One of the first times my husband went to her house, to cut down some overgrown brush, and went inside to get some water, Muzzie led him to the kitchen, paintbrush in hand, and stopped at a painting and declared, "I didn't want it to be that color", and without a second thought painted right over it. My husband later said he was just in awe of her creativity. Her artistry exudes.

Lately, I haven't done much in the way of creativity. My weekends have been filled with weddings, baby showers, family in from Australia - a whirlwind of fun. This past week I have been a heap of tiredness and I am thankful to have this weekend plan-free. During the past few weeks when I have thought of my studio and the ideas I have I got an excited-nervousness and a longing to have some down time. I have to learn some balancing skills. I keep my creative self at bay with thoughts that once I do this...then I'll have time. I keep asking- what am I waiting for, why am I putting this off? I work on stuff every so often and feel challenged, excited, happy- clear-minded. Why do I put off what intrigues me?

Baby Showers and Weddings

2007-05-22T09:20:00.000-04:00

Cooking with thoughts

2007-05-15T23:48:00.000-04:00

(blue corn shells with black beans and onions, before the addition of more cheese and sour cream-yum)

I find when I have a lot on my mind I tend to cook. It is not a conscious idea always, but I somehow find myself at home, after work and C asleep, with recipes sprawled about and spices, sauces, vegetables, knives, bread, plates, pots and pans placed upon the counter. I pour a glass of red, turn on the soft lights in my kitchen and fall into rhythm. The repetition of chopping is soothing and helps me to slow my booming thoughts to a quiet hum to where I can then begin to concentrate.

Once I get to the root of my thoughts, I can gently cut away the stubborn skins of worry and break them into pieces allowing the fragrant feelings to surface. As I measure and weigh the ingredients, I do the same to choices I am considering. I try out spices, adding and tasting, wishing I felt as confident and free to experiment in other areas of myself as I do with cooking. I don't always make the best tasting mixtures, but at least I try. I got over this fear at home by learning that my husband won't think I am a bad cook if I screw up dinner because maybe tomorrow I will make something he raves over. Some of this culinary confidence comes easily because he's my husband, and not everyone else .

I am learning to apply this way of thinking to other things I wish to pursue. I have to just try things out, like I have done with cooking. I have to remember my ability to cook by taste did not happen over night, I am still learning, and will continue for the rest of my life. To realize there are a plenitude of tastes, but that maybe a few will really enjoy what I have created.

I have to take what I know I enjoy, grind the fear in the disposal, and start from scratch. Even if the dish is a disaster, it shouldn't keep me from trying again.

~good lesson in not taking things personally~
I made a grilled pork chop and fresh turnip greens for C. Pork chop on the floor, gagging noises as the greens are spit from his mouth. I am in shock because he is a lover of all foods. After all my failed efforts to coax him to eat the turnips, I take a large, sharp butcher knife and with one swift CHOP, cut the cantaloupe in half. I then cut the sweet fruit away from the rind in neat little squares and give a few to C. As he shoves them into his mouth, barely giving himself room to swallow, he raises one arm and says "I unt suh moooow", until half of the melon is gone. Fruit dinner-nice. I suppose I'll save the the three course meals for the adults *smile*. C does love fruit though. This makes me think about when I was pregnant with him and how I ate fruit everyday, especially oranges. I couldn't' get enough of the sweetness. I like to think maybe this began his love for the sweet nectar of fruit.

I have also been thinking a lot lately about growing, buying, and cooking fresher, and more organic. My parents raised us on organic food (my sister used to trade her juice cookies for Twinkies-how funny is that-but the kids loved our natural foods). I realize that C is just as happy with fruit as he is with cookies. I try to cook from fresh ingredients and stay conscious of the ingredients in packaged foods. I have also always had allergies and now C does too. I have to say I have learned a lot from other bloggers' experiences about the effects of the foods they consume that may interfere with our bodies. It is truly fascinating and I have been thinking so much more about eating foods that energize and restore my body rather than harm. It's not just about eating because it's part of my day. It's eating to keep my body strong and healthy. Even some changes I have already made are making a difference. Now if only I could keep plants alive..maybe then I could have an organic garden. Sad but true, I have no green thumb. Yet!

2007-05-14T22:46:00.000-04:00

{The Venetian's painted ceiling-amazing}

I imagined a curvy lady dressed in red, laying on a piano crooning into the microphone about love, her lips sparkling in the smoky light. A few mobsters dressed in suits puffing cigars, sipping scotch from highballs, the ice clanking as fat hands swirled the cool liquor around in the glass. Nearby would be a few poker tables, a mahogany wood roulette wheel, chips stacked, crowds gathering- cheering as luck landed at their sides. Bright lights, swinging music and flashy clothes adorning the casino halls.

Vegas- not what I imagined, although it was still a lot of fun. Instead you enter a gigantic room filled row after row with slot machines lit up like a runway signaling people to land for the night. The pungent smell of stale smoke mixed with air freshener, pumped through air vents in an attempt to mask nights of spilt drinks and hours past, unbeknownst . A myriad of people come to this wild place and for so many reasons-bachelor parties, expositions, vacations, divorce. You name it there is someone there with a story why this is the spot to be.

Still, it was a site to see all the excited commotion of cards shuffling, ringing slot machines, high pitch chattering and squealing-ceaseless this city is, and all just stuck in the desert as if a mirage of lights, liquor and money. A nice older gentleman gave me a twenty and said "have fun kid" after seeing me lose my own twenty to a greedy machine. That was super fun.

The food was delicious. While there I ate blackened ahi with steamed baby cabbage, stemmed baby carrots, marinated aged steak, red wine, and I also drank my first whole cup of coffee:) I wish we had time to see a show though...maybe next time.

We had a great show at the expo. Every one was excited and thrilled over our product. We will be very busy soon. It was great. I am so happy all the hard work and determination, especially for my parents, is coming to fruition. I really felt it at this particular show and am very proud to be a part of this company.

After we arrived back home, C ran straight past his dad and into my arms. He took his wee hands and squeezed my cheeks, his face inches from mine and just stared at me, like he thought he couldn't believe I was there- I think he knows what missing feels like now. I wouldn't trade all the money in Vegas for that very moment.

Vegas...I'm a little scared of you

2007-05-09T00:53:00.000-04:00

What stays in Vegas...I hope not...or else I will look like this picture when I get home. Going to Las Vegas for a business convention. I work for the family business so my parents will be there. I have never been so it should be fun. J is also going with me, so we brought a little stash and he's convinced he'll win big, as we all secretly do. I just know this place is going to make me dizzy-the lights, the noise, the DRINKS. Fun!

Just the two of us

2007-05-07T22:43:00.000-04:00

J and I often babysit my nephew because my sister is a Sous chef and works A LOT. This past Sunday she wanted to return the favor, and this time we took her up on it. J suggested we drive down to the stadium, buy dollar tickets and enjoy a ballgame, just the two of us. We learned from taking C to other sporting events, that he would rather walk around the stadium at this age than actually sit in it. Minutes are still hours to him.

C happily obliged to spend the afternoon with his cousin anyway.

We started with a Sunday drive through the city, conversation light and flirty, resting my mind while watching cars maneuver steadily like the moving water of a creek: bends and straights.
When we got to the stadium we bought icy cold beers, a brat, an Italian sausage, and seats with a clear view to home plate-we felt good. The sky a sphere of piercing blue, tufts of white clouds dolloped like whip cream on blueberries, a bold contrast against the expanse of diamond cut grass. The temperature was hot, but when sitting above the trees I got a bird's eye view and understood why they soar on soft wind-it felt free and calm. I really need a trip to the mountains to camp and hike. Lately days have been colliding into one another until I feel dried of creativity and the alarm clock becomes a drone of tired reminders to rise and get through the day.

After the game on Sunday, J and I kept saying how much fun we had. We laughed the whole time, the game a side conversation to what we were there for- a block of time for rejuvenation, for laughter, for filling up on love and for not taking ourselves so seriously. I have to sometimes unwind my inner clock that ticks toward the strike of worry.

It was nice to not engulf my thoughts in anything but in the moment. J and I realize we need to take more of these moments, even in just the day to day. To just be happy.

Query

2007-05-02T22:23:00.000-04:00

I saw this meme from this lovely and decided to do it myself.

Are your parents married or divorced? Married for 32 years

Do you believe in heaven? yes

Have you ever come close to dying? no

What jewellery do you wear 24/7 ? wedding rings with my Great grandfather's wedding band worn between my own.

Do you eat the stems of broccoli? yes, but i cut my husband's off for him- he's a floret kind of guy

Do you wear makeup?yes, i love eye shadow

Would you ever have plastic surgery? yes, breast reduction

What do you wear to bed? hubs t-shirts and shorts- not so sexy, but so comfortable

Have you ever done anything illegal? I'm sure :)

Can you roll your tongue?yes

Do you have a boyfriend or girlfriend? happily married

Do you believe in abortions?this is hard- rape, neglect, drugs- yes maybe. Should it be our decision even if those things are involved- I don't know - having a child, it's just too hard for me to answer because I would not now.

What is your hair colour?dark brown, reddish in the summer

Future child's name, boy and girl? Korlyn, for a girl...not sure for a second boy yet.

Do you smoke? no

If you could go anywhere in the world where would it be? Italy, Caribbean islands-any, South Africa, Brazil, California and Colorado.

Do you sleep with a stuffed animal? no

If you won the lottery, what would you do first?Pay everything off and give away a lot to family and friends.

Hamburger or hot dog? I love veggie burgers, but also like cheeseburgers on the grill, and a hot Italian sausage with all the fixings, ever so often.

If you could only eat one food for the rest of your life, what would it be? Bread, cheese (i know it asks for one, but i gotta have cheese with my bread:)

City, beach or country? Live in the country, vacation at the beach.

What was the last thing you touched? my face, I do that when thinking

When’s the last time you cried? couple of days ago

What colour are your pants? blue denim, jeans

Ever been involved with the police? yes, but with just a warning...shhhh

What’s your favourite shampoo/conditioner and soap? I just found the brand Sammy, but I usually switch every time I buy shampoo, however this shampoo lures me to smell my hair throughout the day , so I may stick with it.

Do you talk in your sleep? no

Ocean or pool? Ocean, i would love to live nearby

What’s your favourite song at the moment? Rachael Yamagata's Would You Please, The Killers' -Mr. Brightside, and Joss Stone's new cd

Have you ever had a cavity? yes

Window seat or aisle seats? Window

Do you feel that you’ve had a truly successful life?. Successful in some areas, just beginning in others

Do you twirl your spaghetti or cut it? twirl and cut

Are you self-conscious? yes

Have you ever ridden in an ambulance? no

Last gift you received? perfume from my husband

What occasion did you receive your gift? None really, he buys gifts for me and C when he's on business out of town.

Last thing you spent lots of money on? air conditioning- grrr

Where do you live? metro Atlanta, Georgia

Last wedding attended ? Friends my husband used to work with.

Favourite restaurant? I don't have just one, anything Mediterranean and a nice wine list.

What is your favourite kind of car? Mercedes

What’s your least favourite chore(s)? ironing

Favourite drink? hmmm, water w/lemon, orange juice, root beer and wine. hahaha-this list just got progressively worse. hahaha

One step at a time

2007-05-01T23:27:00.000-04:00

The steps to actualizing may seem big, but with determination and self-love there is growth and dreams come true.

We are realizing how much we want this dream. Our souls thrive on creative living. We understand it's a must, not just a want. We are taking small steps, or have been for awhile to begin our creative endeavors/business. I feel we are coming into it, maybe slowly, but it's on the brim, spilling over in small amounts-a vision too big to contain. We talk of it everyday and I feel the energy of what it will become flowing through me-flutters of excitement that it can be real, and reminding myself why not.

2007-04-30T01:06:00.000-04:00

~Maybe it's his scratchy voice
~Maybe it's his gorgeous, curly hair
~Maybe it's his constant conversing and mimicking, his outgoingness
~Maybe it's his companionship and love for my son
~Maybe it's how he cries when we leave
~Maybe it's that he is an extension of my sister, my love
~Maybe it's that I feel nothing but love for this little man, and that I will feel nothing else but that.

~A million reasons and knowing it's how important he is in my life and I can't imagine it without him

Weekend flow

2007-04-22T22:54:00.000-04:00

~Weeding the flower beds, feeling the resistance of hardened roots against my hand, earth lingering in winter cold.

~Feet locked, eyes resting, C laying between, noses turned to snuggle, funny and sweet cartoon I hum the theme to as sunlight breaks in a flourish of golds and pinks.

~Cleaning out closets and looking at old magazines I had saved from when I was in high school- laughing at the similarity of content to fashion magazines today.

~Eating watermelon in the evening light just before night falls in shades to black. Loving the way C eats his without a second thought to the juice running down his shirt...the way watermelon should be eaten in my opinion.

~Cooking together- grilled chicken, wilted spinach and roasted artichoke- and laughing in between stirring dressing, checking temperatures and babbling with C.

~Sidewalk chalk drawings smudged against the driveway

~Feeling cognisant of each moment-laundry, cooking, playing Whiffle ball, cleaning out closets- aware this is me in my life, and that I am grateful.

Hindsight in Fast Forward

2007-04-19T23:19:00.000-04:00

A DJ this morning said, "you can change any situation in hindsight" and I had to nod in agreement. If it happened over again I would....

I have been thinking a lot in hindsight lately, not how I would have changed any one situation, but of the things I pictured for myself that didn't happen right away, and are now beginning to. I wanted those things to happen then, so badly, and for a long time I resented and criticized myself for not bringing them to fruition already.

I am now becoming comfortable with my journey and the breadth of my accomplishments, not always at this moment, but in this order for good reason. As long as I hold them constant in the pursuit of me, I will make them happen. Why I always think everything has to happen right now, or I should have done them already, is maybe a developed fear of seeing and hearing regret.

For a long time instead of taking this lesson and running full force, I doubted and put myself in a standstill. I realize I may not be the person to accomplish a lot in a short span of time, but I am trying to learn to take small amounts of time and make them count, as spoken so well in the words of this cool, insightful, creative woman.

I visited a college before I graduated high school and fell absolutely in love with the campus and the city. I wanted so badly to go, but college in state was affordable, actually free. In hindsight, I met my husband by staying in state, and now we both have an overwhelming desire to move. We are so exhausted by the traffic, and want to breath fresh air and raise C in a better learning environment- we both want to move. I have been ready to pursue higher education as well. I have always had a strong interest for developmental psychology.

Ten years ago I wanted to go to school here. Now I am a wife and mother and ready to move to the very place I dreamt of going to school. I just didn't have the patient understanding, or foresight, maybe, to know it didn't have to happen then, but in faith and pursuit it would happen-is happening.

Even if it is not this particular city, I am sure we will find a place we both love. I am becoming more aware of the importance to create the surroundings that inspire and bring good energy to me. Of course this all begins within, but I also believe surroundings effect us even if not completely aware of how. I am learning to not close the door on the dreams/interests I really want. The ones where hours race by without notice, pulling me deeper in thought and inner discovery. The ones I don't have to force or question. The ones that arouse all my senses at once leaving everything feeling richer and more purposeful. When I was younger I wanted to pursue everything, and now I understand the ones I wanted the most never faded away. They have been flitting around in my mind, like the delicate butterfly, they come briefly every so often as colorful reminders that although time may be burning, it is also full of rebirth and growth and opportunity.

In my prayers tonight

2007-04-16T23:40:00.000-04:00

North Campus, UGA, taken last weekend- brought memories of college days.

Feeling so sad and mournful for the young students and professor killed at Virginia Tech today. It makes no sense to me. I don't understand the taking of another life, I know most do not. It is mad, insane, depressing to add to the descriptive of humans. All the dreams, the friendships, the rivalry of team games, the learning, the love, the future- the pendulum of their being swinging from childhood with excited force towards the beginning of adulthood. I pray for each of them tonight and for the love ones who will have to move forward without them, holding onto memories as tightly as possible into their following days. To those who were injured and have to continue to hold the memory of this tragedy in their following days, I pray for healing growth. To all the students of Virginia Tech who stressed over exams, jobs, future, family squabble and just trying to find their way, I hate this had to be part of their experience because the aforementioned I would hope to be the only stresses in their lives, not something as incomprehensible as this. I know this is an important time for them and it's just so shocking and sad.
I know the healing will come, the day slotted into memory, and the cheer of young students to rise again. Tonight, I know there is devastation and I am silenced in thought that this day marks the largest mass shooting in modern U.S. history. I know death is part of life and I feel anxiety at the fact murder takes place everyday in our country, devastatingly so in others. I know people die every day in war and I know I will never understand it. I cannot fathom the taking of an innocence that was not theirs for the taking. I just cannot make sense of it and so I will pray with mournful tears, not looking for an understanding, but giving instead my love and condolensces I hope reaches across the span of miles to each of their dear hearts.

Hallelujah

2007-04-05T00:26:00.000-04:00

Ann Sample (my Muzzie, my grandmother's creation)

Poetry Thursday

~(Poem for a poet, inspired from a book of poems I picked up from my Grandmother's house)

Body limp in rest, images pierce and fade in mad order
As my mind alters into recognition, the transient signal of day break.

Recite these truths to me over and over before I wake.

So as my eyes hold loosely shut, I may form these words upon my lips,

Rolling over into their seductive arms, full of loving hope, denying just yet the day to take.

Recite these truths to me over and over before I wake.

Pour them into a star and sew it to the patchwork midnight sky,

So it may not shoot and burn, leaving of my dreams, a scorned line to trace.

Recite these truths to me over and over before I wake, dear William Herbert Carruth, Dreamer of Dreams.

~Letter to my favorite poet~

Thank you for introducing me to Peggy Ann McKay. She gave me the courage and humility to stand among my adolescent peers for talent day and tell her story about a kid who fibbed in order to play. I was scared out of my mind, dressed in a flannel pajama gown over my jeans, holding perforated copy paper to drop and reveal the list of reasons "not to go to school today".

Being shy, I still do not know how I got through it, except in that moment I must have not believed in judgment. It must have been her story, your poetry, full of adventure, imagery, silly truths. Fun ways of saying how we feel at times. Your writings were the first I read from an adult that did not speak to me as adult, but instead a muse for my own imaginings.

I enjoy the same humor as you, I believe. Silly wit.

I admire "your light" within the attic of your mind.

Please come visit me and take me to the end of the sidewalk...again.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Man, this is hard! I have always written my own poetry here and there, in a feeling, mostly in the thick of angry or sad. But to write from a given idea and within a time line is hard, yet so energizing to my mind. While I fought with this poem because I could not easily write it, I realize the value it brings to the flow of my writing. To let the ink flow, my fingers madly chasing my words...I am excited to be a part of Poetry Thursday- even when I doubt my ability, I feel this will help my writings grow.

So simple, yet so hard.

2007-04-03T12:30:00.000-04:00

Rough banner, but I figured it out...now on to design. I guess I should have done all this before I started posting. Oh well...

I don't care...just make it work

2007-04-02T22:51:00.000-04:00

I used the exact code on all the blogger help pages. The easiest code in all the land and it won't work. Created in photoshop and saved as a jpg- is this correct? Am I insane- probably. Help! New blogger-added page element-uploaded to javascript element. It just won't work- feeling like a lone typewriter among a sea of laptops. I want a typewriter though- love the sound and feel...but really rather have a banner of color instead of font. I'll keep trying..hopeful I can figure it out...

Just when I was tired of the rain...

2007-03-29T00:11:00.000-04:00

You know when you wake up happy it's spring; warm air, sweet fragrance, chirp of birds and long, sunlit evenings. I love spring for all these reasons and I love sunlight. Too much gray of winter and I am ready to pick up and move to the beach. It's just easier for me to rise in the morning, flow through my day, feel more creative and savor the evenings of grilling out and playing. You know how great that feels?

***Yeah, well not today.***

I have never had so much disdain for the color yellow as I have had this past week. I know the importance of the cycle, and without it our world would not exist, but it's laying on thick and it's suffocating.

POLLEN

I am affected and it's making me dizzy, unable to concentrate, wishing I could circulate a hose through me I am so thirsty and then sleep in cold air conditioning. At night, it looks like frost but not that fresh, deep breath feeling, but more like breathing dust...as if there is not enough dust in our lives that we need a little more.

I'm just saying- everything wake up, grow a little, and as my brother put it, "by summer everything is just living and it will fade." Nicely put! I'm ready for the living days and to move past the yellow, sleepy days.

Silly rant, but I'm telling you it's bad and makes you feel a little loopy. hee

A month and a day later

2007-03-27T15:29:00.000-04:00

A month and a day later you were born after me. Your grandparents were born a month apart, in the same months as you and I. You were born in the same hour as our son. We lived 30 miles a part during our childhood. I think about that often, what we may have been doing at the same time while growing up. Maybe I was dancing and you were playing basketball, and how we might have been friends if in the same school. Sometimes I think what if I had passed you in a mall or someplace but didn't notice because I had never met you. Similar to how you were in a fraternity, (I know, don't mention it, right?) but it was the same fraternity the friend I met on my very first day of college joined. I went to all the parties with him and somehow never met you, until Senior year, at my friend's house. Why then? I believe we were meant to go through different experiences before we came together.
It's strange to think how big this world is, and in a tiny portion of it, 30 miles, lived two kids who would meet, fall in love and start a long life together. I often think how we can go our whole lives living a street away from someone and never meet. I am glad I decided to go to that party when I almost opted not to because of summer school the next morning. I only decided to come the hour before we met. I love to think of that night and how we talked and everyone eventually made it inside because the day had fallen into night and the air was chilly, but we stayed seated and let the conversation roll. I didn't notice everyone was gone until my friend asked us to come in. I love celebrating your birthday and another year I have grown with you. We were there together in our early twenties- finding jobs, apartments, learning who were as individuals and trying to figure out how to blend that into our relationship. It was not always easy, us trying to grow up, and do it together.

Sometimes I think what if we had met when were were older, when we felt more comfortable with our own selves. I believe we were meant to have those experiences together, and I am thankful for how we've grown and leaned on one another. I love how we can say remember when we were in college....

I love getting older with you, finding more peace between us, giving each other space to grow in our own ways. We are opposites, but continue to attract to each other. Although we are in our late twenties I can begin to see how our thirties may be and from what I hear they are even better. It's bittersweet, knowing all this now as time flies by. Yes, it would have been nice to know some things when I was younger, like how to savor time, pursue your dreams without fear, those sorts of things. But I guess that's how we got here, today, and I am glad right now I am going to dinner to celebrate you.

love me.

Robber of hearts

2007-03-26T09:39:00.000-04:00

I sat on the top, rough concrete step, feet submerged in the cool, fresh water, sunlight swimming in each direction. I watched you opposite of me walking around tossing objects of sorts into the deep blue end. Stopping at the ladder you wrapped little hands tightly around the rails, lifted your feet and jumped, plunging like the granite rocks we threw into the lake. Bigger hands were there to catch you as you came up wide-eyed with heavy breaths at the shock of your action. Feet running in air, then catching the ground, moving in racing speed toward me. I said slow down knowing instantly how pointless of a request it was -your excitement was far too overwhelming . You stopped a few feet away, madly wiping water from your eyes , arms wide open and a questioning smile begging for validation. I looked at you with your eye lashes clumped in points like stars. I smiled and said good job, you turned and skipped away with your contagious cackle trailing behind .

I felt my lips within my smile slowly lower, and I just stared after you with "mama" eyes, realizing then you were the little thief that stole my heart, replacing it instead with shameless awe.

Circle of Light

2007-03-18T23:04:00.000-04:00

This is my circle of light. A tradition of sorts my mother started with my family. It began with her putting into a collage the things she wanted to bring into her life within the coming year. Not resolutions so much as more of a symbol of her desires for herself-some material, but mostly spiritual growth. She passed down this lesson in asking of ourselves our desires and dreams and so began our tradition of New Year's Eve Circle of Lights. Even as we grew into teenagers, anticipation fluttering around in our bellies to be with our friends on New Year's, we sat down together- most likely in our own little circle- my Mom on the couch and us girls on the floor, my Dad watching, my mom reminding my Dad and brother to get started on theirs. Piles of magazines, scissors, poster board, glue sticks, pens and crayons surrounding us, we cut and pasted, not fully aware of what we were compiling, but rather allowing our subconscious guide our hands. We cut out words with self-meaning, pictures that provoked our imaginations, and many times wrote in our own aspirations with crayons or paint. When we were done we passed each collage around smiling at how important and true what we had put down was to the other.

We are now grown with families of our own, and still each New Year's we sit and collage, in our own homes, maybe at different times, but the connection remains when we walk into each other's homes and see it centerpiece on the refrigerator.

This circle of light is attached to the side of my refrigerator by a magnet . I forget it is there the majority of the time. Similar to a painting you may hang on a wall, sometimes glancing at it, realizing the beauty in that it is "you", often questioning why you like it, or seeing how it fits your style and the makeup of who you are. I silently recognize it in passing, reminding myself of its purpose.

As each year comes to an end and the poster board, scissors, glue sticks and crayons sprawl across the table from the stacks of saved magazines waiting to be "recycled", I take down last year's Circle of Light and smile at the things that played out in my life within the past year. Some had major impact, some ongoing, and some to add again, but all inspiring and true to who I am. These are some of my wishes, my dreams, my true to being. I thought I would take them from behind the magnet and put them out there in a different way. They are random, spur of the moment cuts and pastes, but images and words that resonate with me. My mother first taught me this full-circle lesson of seeking my wildest dreams, morals and creativity by giving it over to faith.

I know it has been a couple of months since New Year's, but I glanced at my Circle of Light today in passing and thought it needed a new view .

Springtime in the ATL

2007-03-11T11:55:00.000-04:00

Soft, warm light... long, leisurely days... blooms of sweet fragrance...aaahhh...

Over the weekend I woke up early, dressed C and myself and headed out for a bagel, all the while anticipating rain. On the drive to the bagel shop it did begin to drizzle and I sighed at the thought of another gray day-sometimes they just seem to collide together and desperation for sunlight sets in. To my pleasant surprise the clouds drifted apart and lazily, as if waking from hibernation, spring sunlight came and warmed the air. C and I took off our jackets and went to the park. I followed him around like the dotted lines from the Family Circus cartoon-over, around, under, swing, jump and bang-eyes darting from one wood structure to the next, ceaseless in his quest. It may have looked like mad confusion but it was pure wanderlust leading him happily in his own direction.
This is the young, unblocked imagination open to move, shift, wonder, and gaze, laugh- all with determination and growth. I have often been told to listen and learn from my elders, the wise ones. I do always learn from the more experienced but I have realized how very many lessons in creativity, imagination and love to learn from him. These lessons help to ignite my creative ideas while holding fast to my wanderlust that magnetically chases his. (Often causing me to get almost stuck from following him, not paying attention until halfway through that I am not his size, and that I must look the pitiful fool) *laugh*
On our drive home, with windows cracked and John Mayer's Gravity mixing in the air, I was still feeling energized from the change in weather and the fun at the park. Feeling the urge to get a good exercise, (yes, running after a toddler is tiring, but not the same as pushing your own body to work hard; sweat, burn and breath.) I stopped in a neighborhood full of large hills, strapped C in the stroller and walked. I pushed him and I up and over the hills- many times almost horizontal with arms out-stretched and hands latched to the stroller, willing my legs to follow. (Hills are a far cry from the treadmill because at least then I can walk/run flat if I want to). I remembered then how much I love to exercise, and that I need to make it a priority for my health and because it allows the floodgates to open allowing me to think without concentration on any one particular thought. My only concentration was on pushing, walking faster and breathing. At the end of my walk I felt questions answered and conflict settled. Similar to how I feel after meditation and prayer.

***On Sunday I felt so enthused about my long walk from the previous day I woke up ready to do it all over again. This time I asked my husband, J, to go along with us and he agreed. Instead of the hills we opted for a wooded trail around a lake. We started out the same, moving at a nice speed over the pine straw and earth. I stopped halfway through to show C a bird on the lake and in that moment he decided he had enough of my pushing him around and raised his arms up as if it was high time he walk and explore on his own. I bit my lip, thinking to myself I wouldn't get in the exercise I was now craving. (Two days in a row-I was on a roll, right!).
I pulled C from the stroller and he immediately took off, dotted lines in tow, and started touching everything; bark, pine straw, sticks and rocks. He and his Dad threw some rocks in the lake delighting at the splash of rising water as the rocks sunk below. J and I found C a good walking stick, and as a hiking pro would, he held tight to it prodding the ground as he walked. Often, he would stop, head cocked to one side, concern and question furrowing his brow, as the sounds of the woods filled his ears. Watching him touch and listen to the beauty and movement of nature, I got to thinking about enjoying the scenery and the little things that captivate and intrigue our intellect and imaginations. I see how important it is to allow C to experience things fully, in his own way, so he can learn with confidence and question. I am becoming more aware that by pushing myself, like exercise, I gain motivation and integrity, and by taking time, as in a leisurely walk, I gain more perspective. The balance is hard to manage at times, but important to work on.

***After the walk I was thirsty for both drink and a little more sunlight. I took my raspberry tea bags, steeped them, and poured the tea over ice and sat on my back patio, sore from Saturday and reflective from Sunday. Two days started the same and ended very different, both equally satisfying.

Afterglow

2007-03-03T23:52:00.000-05:00

Lately my thoughts have been skipping around in my head and I find it hard to grasp on to any one of them and concentrate. I have become really aware of all the many paths I wish to travel in this life of mine but it's the "jumping into" that has me locked in my own mind. All the how's and what if's putting me at a standstill. So, in the midst of the flurry of thoughts I am making time to sit in quiet and realize all I am capable of. I want to break away from my fear and self-doubt and instead discover and grow all the many aspects of myself. I know only I hold myself back and only I can push myself forward. Right now my mind might be racing, but in the afterglow of each thought I hope to gain more confidence in pursuing myself.

Sweet Treat

2007-02-27T21:41:00.000-05:00

My best friend Amanda gave me the most wonderful 28th birthday party. I told her that I wanted to spend it with my family eating sweets! I arrived to her house with my mom and sisters to be welcomed to friends and yummy, delicious sweets. She made me little cakes in the shape of stars and there were delicious brownies, macaroons and pretty candies that we weren't sure we should eat because we thought maybe they weren't edible, ha! My sister, who is a Sous chef, brought homemade chips and salsa. We drank champagne and talked. Amanda's friend, Holly, brought all the neat stuff to make jewelry and we each got to design a necklace or a bracelet. I made a necklace with a small pendant that read "joy" and I hope to have lots of it this year. Oh, and Amanda got me this cute cupcake necklace and told me to wear it this summer and on Sundays ("just because"). She is probably the funniest person ever! I am so thankful to have amazing friends and family who inspire my creativity.

(my mom and sisters also bought me a photography kit so Amanda and I can take better pictures of our biz designs. My camera skills, as you may tell, are beginner at best!)

Reflecting on patience

2007-02-23T01:05:00.000-05:00

I get so overwhelmed by the busy rush of our world sometimes. We are always on the go- on our way to work, on the phone, on the computer. Sometimes I can literally hear a buzz. Most times the energy makes me feel alive and excited, and other times it wears me out. There is just so much going on all the time that I feel we get caught up in our own busy selves and often lose sight of the lives around us.

We get so caught up in what we have to do, where we have to be and how we'll get it all done that it is easy to take our frustration or impatience out on the people around us. I really want to work on patience with myself. I get easily fearful of not accomplishing, or even starting the career and passions I know would bring so much brilliance and peace in my life.

So I am going to dig deep and actualize the parts of my life that need a little push, guidance and definitely patience. I believe by nurturing these dreams of mine that I will create a life where I will not feel as rushed and consumed by the fast-paced way of daily life.

It's the compassion and patience I must give myself, so I can do the same for the people flowing in and around my life.

2007-02-16T01:10:00.000-05:00

Sometime's it's the little gestures that mean the most. Sometimes it's the super nice customer service person that says "thank you for asking" instead of just "fine" after you've asked how they are. It's the times when you share a laugh with a perfect stranger when you've done something silly and they laugh at the humor of the situation. Sometime's it's your deep, genuine laugh, or the lasting -I can't wipe this smile off my face for a few minutes smile- after you've made someone else laugh whole-heartedly. It's the holding of the door, it's the you have really pretty skin ( a woman with beautiful skin, i had to remind her), it's "are you having a bad day" "you look sad" - and realizing the bag boy at the grocery can physically see your concern and cause you to shake your head and realize you are not the only one who feels others (and it's the young who are so honest and that is refreshing). It's as minimal as being complimented on your earrings and the fact you chose to wear them because not only do you love them, but others go out of their way to tell you they like them as well. And that small gesture feels great...

(I've been asked if these earrings are from Venice ( i wish) and if they are Murano Glass from Italy or are they dreamcatchers. I have been told because they are so great that instead of telling where i really got them that I should tell an amazing story about traveling through Europe and buying them from the cutest street vendor.)

And they are great-especially because of all the compliments. I blush, when I shouldn't, because I bought them for 6 bucks. But I love to wear them and I get so many compliments- small gestures that make my love feel so big.

Valen(m)ine's

2007-02-14T23:39:00.000-05:00

A moment you take a deep breath, sigh, and realize how important they are to you, and the reason to appreciate the moments as they are. Happy Valentine's my sweets.

What I've felt all along

2007-02-13T00:25:00.000-05:00

Upon reading the meeting of Boho Girl and Schmoopy, and their connecting experience, two women that are inspirations to me, I got inspired to write of my own experience.

Ever since I was very small I have been terrified of crossing over bridges. I still have to shut my eyes until the car reaches ground again (well...not when i am driving- don't be scared- but I do clutch the wheel and talk aloud to get me through). It is especially worse when crossing a long bridge over the sea. When my family and I would go on vacation to the beach , as a child, I used to have to sit on the floorboard of the car to at least feel some sort of grounding.
Everyone, including me, used to think it was because of my equilibrium- which may still be true since I can run into almost anything.

Then in college I had an experience that resonated and leaves me pondering even today. My boyfriend's mom had a friend from Australia that was a psychic, known well in both the United States and Australia. She came to the U.S. by request because so many wanted to see her again. My boyfriend, at the time, put me on her request list months in advance and so I was able to go have a reading.

I drove to a rented condo, not sure at all what to expect, and a little weary of the surroundings.
But once I entered I felt, still unsure, but a definite peace. She asked my birthdate.

Then she had me lay down and covered me in hand-painted scarves, much like the one pictured. She at once began taking the negative energy away from me, and I at once fell into a lucid sleep. I was aware but so heavy I could not move.

Upon waking, she began to tell me what she had felt. I listened and she spoke mainly about my past lives, and I began to speculate, because I felt it was too easy. Then she told me that in one of my past lives that I was part of a tribe and that my people were being moved out of our land by force. And that we passed over bridge after bridge after bridge. And that I was fearful.

My mouth dropped and tears welled in my eyes. I stopped her and told her of my lifelong fear of bridges- she replied- I know. She then gave me a list of my numbers that will/are prominent in my life and that she would make me a hand-painted scarf, and that the colors would represent the date I was born.

I received it a few weeks later and upon opening it I felt such a connection. The purple for my birthdate and the color everyone says reminds them of me. The blue for water- fluid, sensitive- full sun and moon pisces- I was born on an eclipse.

I am not sure what this experience means, but it's one I love to think about. And many times I pull out this scarf when I need a little soul guidance.

Only Six?

2007-02-11T23:55:00.001-05:00

I've been tagged by my lovely friend, Amanda. And yes she is weird..hahahahaaa.
Six weird things about myself:
1) I have to run up the last few stairs at night because I feel someone chasing me.

2) I get annoyed when my stapler runs out, but I love to use the first staple after refilling. Something about the crunch against the paper.

3) I love to throw my clean laundry over the balcony to the couch below because it shocks my husband and I just think it's the funniest way to get the clothes down the stairs.

4) I CANNOT stand for my feet to be touched. Too ticklish.

5) I secretly pretend I have my own cooking show when making dinner.

6) I pretend that I am talking about something really serious, with a serious face, when my friends or husband call me at work. And inside I am secretly laughing at the funny things they are saying.

I Am Ready

2007-02-11T23:54:00.000-05:00

I started a blog awhile ago and added some pictures, a few thoughts, and quotes from artists I love. But my words- I wasn't sure how to let them out in a way that expressed how I felt, feared and enjoyed. And I realized there is no one way even for ourselves. We constantly learn and grow and in doing so I think our words (or insight) do as well. So, I am here again. I am ready- to lay my words down as they are and grow with them in this experience.